Ruckle, it’s better than TV.

Now gather round veterans and you shall hear of the revenge on Ruckle that we did engineer.

This is the story of how we got back at that Blue Falcon Ruckle for messing with a soldier's wife. To set the scene of the barbecue, I first have to tell you a little bit about our First Shirt. Now he was not what you would call a great First Shirt by any stretch of the imagination, but he did have one particular skill that made him beloved by all. This man knew how to cook meat.

Every Thanksgiving he would go ahead and deep-fry Tabasco turkeys so everyone on and off duty could have a Thanksgiving meal. And when we had BBQs it looked like he was cooking an entire cow. Ribs, Burgers, steak, hot dogs. It was a smorgasbord of meat as far as the eye could see.

So we would have these quarterly BBQs at the park next to the baseball field and they were very popular. The whole company would show up if they weren't on duty. There would be music and games and people bringing their family to the event. It was awesome.

The barbecues normally started around 10 a.m. and would finish up sometime around midnight when the last few stragglers would realize that there was no more beer or meat to be had and they would meander off back to their rooms.

So it was about 9 maybe 10 at night and most of the families with children had already gone and it was mostly single soldiers or ones with spouses still hanging out. Music was being played and a lot of people were dancing and having a good old time.

Now Ruckle liked the ladies. He was always trying to pick up anything that had a vagina. And he did have some success because he was, by most accounts, a pretty good-looking guy. He just didn't have the brains or the balls back it up. And Ruckle made no secret of the fact that he would sleep with married women. So on this particular evening, the Staff Sergeant, we will call Fish is on the patio that everyone uses as the dance floor dancing with his wife who we will call Beth. She was a very good looking woman from the south who had a beautiful southern accent. Think of a blonde Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind. After a short time, they quit dancing and he went off to get a few beers and chat with some of the guys. His wife was making her way to go towards some of the other soldier's wives when Ruckle stepped in.

Now I didn't know this before, but he had made several advances on Beth before this night. Ruckle having no class and no sense of boundries double-timed to get over to Beth and grabbed her by the hand and tried to pull her onto the dance floor. I couldn't hear what was being said, but eventually you could hear Beth yelling “No, I said I don't want to dance with you!” and Ruckle responding with “Come on. He doesn't care. He's not even dancing with you right now.”.

Now I don't know if somebody went to tell Fish about what was going on or if he heard the commotion himself but he came charging over punched Ruckle right in the jaw. Rocco went down like a ton of bricks and a dozen people grabbed Fish trying to keep him from killing Ruckle. (In hindsight, we should have let him kill Ruckle and helped him hide the body.)

Ruckle scrambles to get up and runs over to our First Sergeant and starts tattling with tears in his eyes about what just happened. Our First Shirt looked at Ruckle and then to SSgt. Fish and Beth. He looks Ruckle right in the eyes and, loudly enough for everyone to hear, tells him that “No one saw that happen. You obviously fell down. And if you down want to fall down again I'd leave Fish's wife the falone and get the fout of my sight.”

I syou not, several people started to clap at that moment. A few guys were still holding back SSgt. Fish and the wives were comforting Beth. Ruckle must have had a momentary flash of intelligence as he hightailed it out of there.

Now I don't know if he ever reported what happened to investigations, but to the best of my knowledge nothing ever happened to SSgt. Fish.

Now the story does not end here. Later that night, several of us sat around talk about how much we hated Ruckle. We were having a few drinks in the common room and we're watching Police Academy on TV. It's at that moment that someone, and I don't know who thanks to Mr. Jack Daniels, gets inspired by a scene in the film. You may be able to guess the one I'm talking about.

It's the scene where Mahoney hides a prostitute in the podium of the commandant. We sit there and drunkenly plan revenge on Ruckle. We spent 3 days developing the plan. You see we didn't want to just get him some sort of hooker because getting laid is not a punishment. We decided that we were going to get him a transexual hooker instead. Our biggest obstacle, which is why it took so long to get the plan in action, was where to find a transexual hooker who'd be willing to allow us to use her for a prank. We didn't want to drive around town looking for hookers and asking them if they had a penis. That's a good way to get arrested by the local PD.

At this point I remembered how I had very brief fling with a woman who worked as a server in a strip club that had an adult book store attached. So two of us paid a visit and found out there was an advertisement for sale where escorts would advertise their services. Kind of like a paper version of Craigslist Personals.

After going through the advertisement and making several calls, we found a transexual that was willing to join in on the fun, but the price was going to be $400. We convinced her to do it for $360 but told her we had to meet to make sure that she looked like a real woman.

We arranged to meet up at a donut shop the next day after our night shift ended and sure enough the escort, who we will call Tracy, looked like a woman. Thankfully for us and her, she did. If you looked closely, you would be able to tell that there was an Adam's apple and she had a kind of boyish face but other than that she looked like an attractive woman. We knew that at night, and if you weren't looking for it, she could pass for a woman no problem. She is what would be considered pre-op as she has breast implants but still has a penis.

So we arranged it for a night when most of us would be off duty and when Ruckle would be free as well. The plan was to have her waiting near the barracks sitting on the curb. Knowing that Ruckle would come out eventually to go to the Enlisted Club like he did most nights, we knew that he would see her there. One of us would signal when it was Ruckle approaching by walking by her and coughing. She was supposed to give him a sob story about how she was new to the post and she was supposed to go on a date night with someone she just met from Supply, but he had canceled at the last moment. Our hope was that he would take her directly to his room to “comfort” her. She was then instructed to seduce him and go as far as she could. We let her know that if there is any trouble that we would burst in and protect her. I'm sure $360 made her feel pretty brave.

The plan went off without a hitch. Sure enough, Ruckle comes out in spots Tracy sitting on the curb in her sexy black halter top, skirt, and heels. Unable to help himself, he goes over to her and decides to hit on her. Tracy deserves an Academy Award, because I don't know what they were saying to each other, but she must have been convincing enough that he took her inside. There were six of us with a camcorder videotaping from across the street behind some bushes.

As soon as they had gone inside we quietly followed them in. We'd hoped to videotape from the window of Ruckle's rooms, but the curtains were closed. So we had to position ourselves in the hallway outside his door. It took everything within us not to laugh as we sat there with a camcorder waiting to see what would happen. After about 20 minutes, you can hear Ruckle screaming at the top of his lungs for Tracy to get the fout.

Tracy came sprinting out of his room with her top pulled down (nice breasts for a guy) and makes a beeline towards us. We are on the ground laughing. Mitchell, who's holding the camcorder, is trying to keep it as steady as possible. Ruckle chases Tracy out into the hallway while pulling up his boxers and missing his pants all together.

This makes us laugh even harder. I am not ashamed to say that I'm pretty sure I peed a little in my pants at the sight of it. Ruckle stands they're yelling at Tracy and at us that he is not a fand that nothing happened. He repeats this mantra several times before storming into his room and slamming the door shut. We ask Tracy what happened, but she just says she just wants to leave.

Two of the guys drive her back to town and drop her off at the same donut shop we had met her at the first time. They gave her the money and asked her again what happened. Instead of saying anything, she made a gesture with her hand and her tongue pushing the side of her mouth.

When they returned, they regaled the rest of us with the gesture she made and it made us laugh even more. I wish I could say that I still had access to that video because if I did, I would totally post it on here for all to see. Ruckle never retaliated or narced on us for the joke because then he'd have to admit that he got a bj from a transsexual. We laughed about that for months. The video, we presented to SSgt. Fish and his wife as a gift.

Fish never mentioned the video to us after that, but a few days after we gave them the video, he gave each of us a 12 pack of beer and a cigar. I think it was his way of saying thank you without actually acknowledging that we broke half a dozen rules by bringing a transsexual prostitute on to post.

I would like to make a side note here and state that this story is in no way meant to insult or degrade anyone who is transgendered. We did this knowing Ruckle's homophobic feelings and wanting to teach him a lesson about not messing with another soldiers significant other. I respect all people's choices to be who they want to be in life.

I would also like to send a special thanks to the creators of Police Academy. Without you we would not have had the inspiration this bit of revenge.

For the next chapter in the Ruckle Saga I'll let you choose. The story of Ruckle's visit to our Lt.'s Fight Club or the story of Ruckle gives the new girl the clap. Just an FYI, no matter which one you choose, Ruckle catches a beating.