When I was I think about 6 I went over to my friend’s mothers place so we could hang out, was my first time meeting his mom. We swam in the pool and hung out. At one point I needed to use the bathroom so I went back up to the room. The moms boyfriend was in the bathroom and was taking a long time. I waited like 20min until I couldn’t hold it anymore… I shit on her floor.
Zimbabwe. The night before this all went down, I was awake much of the night with bad stomach cramps but nothing was coming out of my body. I’m traveling with a small group of people and we have a three hour trip ahead of us in one of those vans that get packed tight. Probably twenty people or so. We load our stuff into it and begin to climb in and that’s when the stomach rumbling starts. Too late now though. We’ve already paid and no turning back. I’m back seat in the middle of two female friends.
Maybe ten minutes into the drive, I start getting these waves in my guts of crap trying to explode out my butt. It isn’t a matter of if but when is my butt muscles and pure will power are going to fail me because I was not going to make it three hours. After another twenty minutes I’m pouring sweat and bordering on full on panic attack because I’m getting hit with waves about every five minutes. My friends know I’m not doing well and in my head I’m running through possible options. I ask our local friend the chances of the van stopping for a bathroom break and he laughs at me and pretty much indicates it isn’t going to happen. I’ve got a plastic bag I’m considering or if I can get my butt far enough out the window.
Then angels appear in the form of local police who pull the van over at a check point. I practically start body surfing over people to get out of the van. There is a little roadside station right there. No idea even if they have a bathroom, the tall grass is just fine enough for me. One of my friends throws some wet wipes at me as I hadn’t even considered what I would do post pop explosion. I waddle to the roadside station and they have a “bathroom.” I don’t remember much other than this raised concrete toilet type hole. Probably better this way that my memory is a blur. I leave feeling weak like I’ve just been puking for an hour. I slowly make my way back to the van to find a very disgruntled driver. He should be thanking me because of what nearly happened to his poor van and my fellow passengers.
That is the day I became a believer in miracles.
Visiting my daughters! My ex-wife won’t let me in her house. I had to go to a nearby store
I pooped in small parking lot underneath luxury apartments one time… between my junk-ass car and some gorgeous convertible
I felt bad about it but the only other option was my pants
I was living in China. Walking down the street about a week in, and my lunch caught up to me. My western toilet in my apartment was at least a mile away. I duck into the closest public restroom. If you don’t know, Chinese toilets are like urinals laid on the floor (I’m sure other countries use these, China is just my only experience with them). You have to squat down and do your business. I was tremendously paranoid of squatting down, shitting in my pants, and pulling that mess up, so I completely removed my pants and underwear, and try to hold the door for leverage/balance, as I hope my anuses aim is better than mine.
I did pretty good, and was a little too proud of myself. I included the adventure in my weekly email to family and friends back in the states. And am now sharing it with the internet.