What’s your ‘gotta take a massive shit and there’s no bathroom around’ story?

Right now at work and the bathroom is too nasty to go take a shit in
And i still have 2 shift hours to go

So I just started dating this girl. I might have stayed at her place once before. She gets up and goes to take a shower and my bubble gut its me. I try and lay there until she gets out but she is taking forever. No way I am going to go in there and take the dump of my life on maybe the 5th or 6th date.

I decide I have 3 choices, go down to the gas station, shit in the trashcan, or blow her up while she is in the shower. I try and get my clothes on to make it to the car but it’s not gonna happen. I take the lid off the trash can and take the biggest bowel movement I think I ever have. I use the paper towel and take her trash out. Later she thanked me for it.

Had to drop a giant deuce because it would be impossible to hold it in playing a baseball game. The port-a-john had a dead raccoon in it staring up from the depths but the indoor toilets were too far away…sorry Rocket.

Eat big steak dinner at Mom’s

Long drive home

Have to fart

Shart

Fuck

Athletic sweat, drift into McDonalds and fly to bathroom

Miss

It’s like an abstract painting where the artist just flings paint at the canvas

Fuck

Try to clean pants as best I can

Flee into the night

I was visiting my grandparents in The Villages, Florida. It was the 4th of July. My ex-wife and I went to this big celebration in some kinda park, called Red, White, and Boom. My grandparents didn’t feel like going, so it was just my ex-wife and I. There were SO. MANY. FUCKING. PEOPLE. I mean it was seriously one of the most crowded events I’ve ever been to, and to top it off, it was hotter than Satan’s titties. I got the ex-wife and I some kinda sandwich from one of the food tents. I don’t remember what it tasted like, but I do remember it was like $45 for 2 sandwiches.

About an hour after I ate mine, suddenly I felt a disruption in my gut. Like 500 centipedes were crawling down my intestines and preparing to make their exit through my butthole. The biggest problem? There was nothing I could do. I was standing in a crowd of no less than 20,000 people and I hadn’t the vaguest clue where a bathroom even was. I started looking around frantically trying to spot a port-a-john or something.

Imagine taking in a big mouth full of water but not swallowing it. So much water your cheeks are inflated and the water is just sitting in your mouth and your lips are about to burst open so you can spray water everywhere.

That’s how my asshole felt.

I finally started walking in the direction I THOUGHT a bathroom might be in. Around that time, my ex told me she was starting to feel the same. After walking through the crowd for what seemed like 45 minutes, we finally got out. Never found a port-a-shitter. We just basically hoofed it back to the car, peeled out of the parking lot and looked for the first gas station we could find.

We finally found one. Lo and behold, they only had a single bathroom. No men’s or women’s room. Just a single toilet with a sink. At this point we were both about to explode. My ex-wife ran into the bathroom, plopped down on the toilet, and from outside I could hear the most godawful poop noises I’d ever heard anyone make before or since. I stood there begging her to hurry so I could take my turn, but she was taking forever, so I eventually had to run around to the side of the building and shit in the grass.

After she finally came out I went in and cleaned up. Not my favorite 4th of July.