Complaining about friends and ex-partners constantly and at length behind their backs while being friendly to those friends’ faces.
Mine was always that they want you to spend time with them and only them. No time for friends, ever.
Possessive behaviour.
Little things like wanting to go through your phone, access your social media to read your messages etc. while some of this behaviour seems to have become commonplace in modern relationships, it is not ok. I would say this is one of the first red flags that appears in a controlling/abusive relationship. Relationship or not, you are entitled to your own privacy and no-one should make you feel like you have to surrender passwords, phone etc for inspection.
Becoming alienated from family friends. Trying to turn you against your friends. Stopping you from going out and socialising (even when they say you can do what you want, but will inevitably start a fight or make you feel guilty every time you go out with friends, to a point you feel like you can’t actually go out.
Making you feel like shit about yourself. Convincing you you’re worthless, that no-one else would want you.
At the end of the day, a relationship is a partnership, not someone taking ownership of someone else. Whether in a relationship or not, you are your own entity and can do as you please. If you honestly don’t feel like you can talk to someone, socialize with certain people, leave the house on your own whenever you want, keep your phone and social media private then you may be in an abusive relationship.
One time she was supposed to be gone with friends all weekend, but she came home Sat night. I was so sad/angry and I thought, I should be slightly disappointed at the most, not sad. It was an early warning sign of how bad things would get before I bailed. I should have trusted my instincts.
First of all hindsight is 20/20! No victim should ever feel that they missed the signs and that somehow means they’re to blame!
Before things got really bad my ex would flip between “you are the love of my life” and “you are utter trash” in an instant. I somehow always found I had something to apologize for. Even if nothing was my fault. Even if nothing was wrong. And “forgiveness” would always come at a cost. I was abused long before I was hit.
When we first got together, my (now) husband commented on how often I unnecessarily apologized (and for a Canadian to say you apologize too much is a big deal). It was an ingrained habit. It’s been the better part of a decade and I’m still forced to fight the instinct to blindly apologize. I still expect forgiveness to come with strings.