On Father's Day I noticed my husband texting and smiling with someone, ignoring or not seeing me when I invited him to the table for breakfast. I got closer so he could notice me and saw he was texting an unknown woman. (We've been married for four years and have a preschooler and a 1 year old.)
I didn't bring it up besides asking “who is that?”, since my Mom was in town visiting. When I mentioned it later, I said I didn't know making friends of the opposite sex and not saying anything was okay for us. He didn't volunteer anything but when pressed further mentioned that he'd been working out with her (which I know is 3/4 days a week for 2-3 hours before work most mornings).
He ended up admitting he didn't tell me about her because he knew I'd be mad, moreover that he'll be working out with whoever he wants. Fast forward several one sided, vulnerable conversations and two months after a lot of feeling sick to my stomach and sleepless nights, I finally laid it out:
I didn't give him an ultimatum – I simply told him I can't sleep, that I feel heartbroken and constantly concerned. That if I was doing the same he'd feel awful. And crickets I asked how long it was going to last and was met with, “There's no sign up sheet in the gym”.
I told him I can't imagine continuing our relationship feeling like this and needed to know in words how he felt. He reported feeling the same, that I'm his wife and he loves me. My boundary is unacknowledged and so far, unenforced. It's not that I think he's put his dick in her (yet?), it's that he won't budge or say anything knowing I'm hurting. I feel like I'm getting more heartbroken daily, the impulse to check his phone is hard to resist at times. I don't want to leave, but I need more than this lack of response from him.
TLDR: I'm jealous that my husband spends 8 hours plus a week with another woman at the gym, time we don't have together as parents of young kids. I want to bail from the relationship, but sort of from life.
You have told your partner you’re hurting and he doesn’t care.
That’s not okay. To me, that sounds like his moral compass when it relates to romantic love is not where it should be. If you love someone, you care if they’re hurt. And you, OP, are not making a mountain out of a molehill. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable.
Your husbands actions are not that of a good man. If I were you, I’d consider the way he’s responded to my hurt/pain/discomfort in the past, and the way he continues to respond to it in the next few weeks. If his responses were/continue to be extremely dissatisfactory, it may be time for you to consider if he is your life partner. You deserve a life partner who lifts you up and cares if you are in pain!
I know this is likely overly simplistic given that you have children. I guess this is just to say that your feelings are extremely valid, and you are not in the wrong.
I am amazed you lasted this long. You should really love yourself more and not let people treat you like shit.
I was a gym goer for many years and I always chatted with everyone, just my nature. I always worked out alone, my preference. It’s not the fact that he has a female work out partner, it’s the fact he didn’t let you know and it appears he doesn’t even care you’re upset by it. The fact he is texting her just to chit chat isn’t right, especially him knowing how you feel. The only text should be if one of them has to cancel.
He has been spending 2-3 hours most days with this woman and kept it hidden BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT IS WRONG. He is trying to blame you that he didn’t tell you because you are jealous. No, he is trying to make you the problem when HE is the problem and he didn’t tell you because he knows it is wrong. He is also messaging her outside of their exercise all the time so it’s not only a gym buddy.
How did he even meet her? How did they decide now they are gym buddies? Why are they texting all the time? If you are in the gym you have no time for chats, so is he also going for coffee or something after? I also think it’s weird to have a gym buddy from the opposite sex because as a woman, I’m not doing the same routine as men and even if there’s overlap, not every day.
You see how many CHOICES he made to get to this point, though. She didn’t magically become his gym buddy, she didn’t magically get into his phone, they weren’t magically chatting on their phone, they didn’t magically set up to spend 8 hours a week together.
And who has the time to go to the gym 2-3 hours most days when he has a full-time job and two kids? You even say that you don’t spend time together but he spends time with this woman?
The lack of response is on him. You should start putting your ducks in a row.
if you tell your partner that something hurts you and they keep doing it. it’s no longer unintentional.
Check his phone and I would suggest a very hard conversation where you ensure you get straight answers.
Where does he get time as a parent to spend that much time at the gym.
If you want to be petty and prove your point. Join the gym and meet a gym buddy (male) and start messaging him. This sounds like an EA at best
2-3hrs each day he’s at the gym? Unless your husband is a body builder, I’d wager at best he’s there 1.5-2hrs and thats a stretch. Wonder what he’s doing with the other hour???
I’d start texting and laughing and smiling.
When he asks tell him it’s some guy you met on MassimoL.
Give him a dose of his own medicine.
Or just let him bully you and continue to be miserable.