I (26M) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for nearly 2 years, and I realized something big about relationships in general. This may be an obvious fact to a lot of you, but hear me out.
Relationship is about taking the necessary risk to find out whether you are right for each other. Captain obvious is definitely giving me an approving nod right about now, so let me be a bit more clear.
For the past two years, I let my fear of breaking up get the best of me. I never spoke out the negative things in our relationship. Unknowingly, I became this martyr that took on all invisible burdens. Some may say there's nobility in suffering for the other in a relationship, but no. Not when you become complacent like me for doing so much for the other.
As a guy (immature – to be precise), I have a hard time discussing my needs and feelings because I don't want to sound needy, naggy, or high-maintenance. But, I realized today that it's not emasculating to talk about my needs in a relationship or talk about my emotions. It's more masculating to own up to my emotions and be honest about it.
It's been a very confusing realization for me.. because I felt resentful about her failing to meet my needs, but also wanting to do more for her.
You may be wondering how my somewhat-undercooked brain got to realize this. I was about to break up with her. I really was. And for one last time, I sat down and wrote down why exactly I was breaking up with her, which short story long, ended with all the fingers pointed back to me..
I'm going to start being honest to her about what I need/feel which effectively means I'm taking the risk to make or fail the relationship.
Hope this anecdote helps.. I'd love your feedback if you agree/disagree with what I think.
EDIT: grammar
Your story really encapsulates what I’ve felt before really well. It took me a messy relationship and breakup to figure that one though. The self martyrdom and complacency were all ultimately a one-way transaction, which I didn’t actually expect initially.
I had to put an end to my relationship at the time because my then-partner could not handle her own problems and the expectation that she could contribute to our relationship just seemed unreasonable, and I had done my fair share of sacrifice.
Thanks for sharing,
Best of luck,
(edit: I meant to say I understood your take on risk, but I placed it wrong, oops!)
I’m glad you realized this!
I dated someone who was the exact same. Never expressed any negativity or his feelings. Always did his best to make our relationship a positive one. He became resentful of me and I had no idea because he never communicated to me how he felt. One day he decided to break up with me after stonewalling me for days and taking his friends’ advice on breaking up with me. Before we cut ties, I explained to him that in relationships there will be the good and the bad and relationships involve, like you said, partnership. I told him next time he should communicate so he wouldn’t grow resentful at his next girlfriend. He apologized and we went our separate ways.
Since then, I met a wonderful man and we’re dating now. About 4 months in almost. We both openly express the good and the bad. He encourages me to open up when I’m down and I encourage him too. We both value honesty and we’ve been communicating well what our needs are and how we feel – the good and the bad (although we mostly have good things to talk about)~
So I’m glad you took the time to reflect on why you wanted to break up with her and came to this realization. I’m sure if you were to break up, it’d be a surprise for her like it was for me with the ex boyfriend I mentioned.
Good luck 🙂 You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells when you’re in a relationship!
I was codependent my entire life. At the end of all my relationships, I was resentful that they never gave back as much as I gave to them. It was my dysfunctional familial upbringing that made me this way & it took 50 years to figure out, on my own, why I was the way I was & how to change going forward. I always put everyone’s wants/needs before my own; all I wanted was a little appreciation back. I’m happy you have had a self-realization, examine your friendships & other relationships as well & see if you’re codependent as well. At least you’re young yet & can change your future relationships, make your boundaries known early into all of them. Put yourself first my friend. ?
Omg this describes exactly what I was doing in my last relationship. This is a realization I’ve had to make too, well said.
I too am a 26M dating a 23F! I 100% agree with what you said.
I don’t know what it is about older guys dating younger women, at first we all seem to be this mature and strong figure that are always there for them, but the deeper you get in a relationship the more you realize how naive and immature we really are.
For me, I ended up having to put up a front to maintain my image as it was when we first met. But it only took a couple of fights after a year of dating for us to realize that we don’t have to do that. Being mutually honest and talking about your needs and feelings is the best thing that can happen in a relationship. So many times have I realized just how immature and ignorant I am during a fight.
I know the uneasy feeling of being honest and being scared that things may turn out for the worse. We just have to do it sometimes. Not only do you feel relieved but your partner will also appreciate you for being honest. And if they cannot accept that, it probably means you two need some time and space to think it through. It’s probably for the best too.