UPDATE: Rape and the aftermath

Here's an update of my previous post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gq8si9/rape_and_the_aftermath/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

My boyfriend was trying to initiate sex again and that's when I decided to tell him everything as I just couldn't bring myself to go through it again, everyone's opinions were ringing loud in my mind and I just felt like I reached the end of what I could tolerate.

I told him everything, how much it hurts me physically and mentally, that even him touching me in a sexual manner triggers me. That we should put a stop to sex, go to therapy together. Maybe let me dominate our sexual encounters when I feel ready so that I feel like I'm in control. That I'm not ok at all and I will still need affection despite us not being sexual, that he deprives me of that when I don't put out and it's unfair. That I need a new therapist and in order for me to heal I can't re-traumatize myself over and over again.

He was hoping I didn't confront him regarding any of this and things would just carry on as they are. He then said that he sensed and knew something wasn't right but didn't want to confront it because he didn't want the sex to stop, he thought he could make it up to me by looking after me and being loving (in a non-sexual way : hugging and being affectionate etc. ) to lessen the guilt. He said that the first 6 months were really hard for him and he was considering leaving me if our sexless relationship carried on for any longer but then I let the sex happen and he was happy.

He doesn't want to go through the work again or let me dominate in the bedroom because he isn't turned on being subservient. His biggest kink is being dominant and taking charge.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing and it really crushed me, my heart sank and I felt even more violated. We started arguing and in the heat of the moment he blurted out along the lines of sex becaming better after my rape because I let him do anything he wanted and explore, things he always wanted to try, unlike before the rape, where there were certain things I wouldn't allow. He gave me an ultimatum, that things either stay this way and he spoils and looks after me like he's been doing all this time while I carry on with getting new help for my trauma or we break up and he'll move out.

I couldn't believe how selfish and cruel he was all this time, I thought I hit the jackpot being in this relationship, but it was all a lie. I told him we should break up, that this isn't the love I signed up for and he should see someone because he's not mentally well thinking this way. He just smirked and said he was perfectly fine, that I'm the one that's damaged, not him.

He's made plans and moved out, someone else will come and fetch the rest of his stuff later in the week. I'm really crushed and hurt, I've asked a friend to come and stay with me from tomorrow for a few days and help me look for a trauma therapist. I'll still be able to afford rent on my own and all that, not worried about my finances, just being lonely and heart broken. I really don't know what happened and how I didn't see it, maybe I did and just ignored it, I don't know. I'm relieved that I don't have to have sex again, but still very crushed by the weight of his words.

I want to thank everyone for the encouragement and support, all your words of advice. Even though this was very hard for me to do, you all pushed me to get it done. I haven't seen this side of my now ex, I really thought he cared about me. I know it's going to be really hard from here on but I think I'll be better off.