I posted this https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/7wv3oo/i_43f_am_struggling_with_my_husband_45m_of_20/
2 years ago, and I finally remembered the user name and can give an update.
Guess which couple hasn't been having sex during the quarentine? Us.
After reading everyone's advice, I convinced my husband to go get a testosterone test. It came back normal. We are in the same postion, only it is so much worse, so much lonlier, and I am in counseling so I can start feeling ready to leave.
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I got some toys to have better sex. Now that's all he wants to do is use those on me. It honestly is just like him helping me masturbate, which I do just fine.
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He wants me to just tell him when I am ready, like – hey, I want to have sex. And then he uses the toys on me. It feels sort of degrading to me, like – if you have an itch, tell me and I'll scratch it.
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He never went to see a specialist. I have asked many times, what if it is because of something simple, maybe a specialist could find out? But no, he said it isn't worth the money. And that feels like he is saying I am not worth the $30 copay.
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I am sad that I stayed married. I feel sexually lonely. I never feel attractive or beautiful.
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We love each other, and in that way have a happy relationship.But it is like a long distance relationship in the same house.
tl;dr: Still no sex, still sad, but now considering leaving. I wish my 20 year old self would have had the confidence to admit sex mattered and to run away from a partner who didn't want to learn why he had ED.
Maybe I’m reaching, but if he’s had ED for 20+ years, meds are no longer helping, and he refuses to see a specialist there’s something much deeper going on. Has he given up? Low self-esteem?
If you’re unable to revise your idea of sex and he doesn’t want to change, divorce might be best.
> I feel sexually lonely. I never feel attractive or beautiful.
> It is like a long distance relationship in the same house.
> [When] he uses the toys on me. It feels sort of degrading to me, like – if you have an itch, tell me and I’ll scratch it.
> He never went to see a specialist […] He said it isn’t worth the money. And that feels like he is saying I am not worth the $30 copay.
Tell him this. These are great “I feel” statements that communicate how certain situations are affecting you. When you’ve told him all this, hopefully he’ll listen and take action. But if he doesn’t, you should consider leaving. You’re already lonely with him, but if you leave him you’ll have a chance to find fulfillment without him, maybe with another partner, but even just feeling allowed to make yourself the number one priority would likely help you a lot.
Firstly I’m sorry you’re going through this.
> He never went to see a specialist. I have asked many times, what if it is because of something simple, maybe a specialist could find out? But no, he said it isn’t worth the money. And that feels like he is saying I am not worth the $30 copay.
Have you told him this? Have you directly told him that you’re considering divorce because you feel so disconnected in respect to sex and how he’s responding to your needs there?
It sounds like clear, honest communication is part of the issue here. He doesn’t understand how important sex is to you, or that his lack of interest in fixing his ED issue is making you feel unloved, lonely and unsatisfied.
Are you two in couples therapy? Have you considered a sex therapist who might help you both to find a relationship with sex between you? I feel like a sex therapist could help both of you, him to understand how critical sex is to you beyond just you having an orgasm, and you in seeing sex as more than just piv. Does he really understand how critical sexual intimacy WITH him is to you and what the lack of it is leaving you with?
But if you’re 100% done, that is OK too. You’re needs sexually are completely valid, if you feel you need to stay in therapy to get yourself ready to leave, then you do that. You don’t HAVE to do any more work when he’s expressing such lack of urgency about it.
This…..is depressing. Reading your OP, then clicking back on here and reading the ‘im not worth the $30 copay’ broke me. If my SO said that, after years of the same issue, I’d cry and leave asap.
Please find the strength to leave. You deserve love and affection.
if you’re sad you CAN still divorce. or take the advice of the top comment on the original post and revise your idea of sex. it doesn’t have to hinge on a boner for either of you.