I guess it depends. Did she leave you at first because she didn’t want to be together or because her family forced her? I think that makes a difference. If she was forced, which happens in a lot of cultures then I would probably meet with her and then ask my daughter if she wanted to meet her. If she left because she was just running away I wouldn’t meet with her. At some point I would tell your daughter her mom was still alive and leave that decision to her. She has the right to know.
Consider if you would be up for just getting to know the older, wiser her and for her to know the older, wiser you. If yes, call, write, facetime, first.
I’d wait until exams are over but definitely tell your daughter.
You and your daughter both might want to talk this through with therapists. But realize that 42 is not old. If you and your wife are really still compatible and good together, you might find a lot of happiness still. Just don’t rush in with expectations.
-
Find out first if it’s really your wife.
-
FaceTime her to confirm and find out what her intentions and goals are.
-
Speak to a lawyer about how to best handle this, what your options are.
-
Get a therapist ASAP. You went through a lot of trauma in the past and reopening this will put you at risk for relapsing. You need support and someone to help guide you through this. If you have a sponsor, let them know too in case you feel like drinking again.
-
Once the above is figured out, only then tell your daughter. You need to know this is really her Mom and why her Mom came back before opening that trauma again for your daughter. She may need counseling services too.
-
Don’t meet your ex alone. I would make sure someone goes with you for support and safety. There have been too many lies told to you to know what’s really going on.
On a side note, great job overcoming your past trauma and addiction. That must have been incredibly hard. Hope you’re very proud of yourself. Your daughter also sounds lovely.