Life is full of ups and downs this is a glimpse of how he will handle your downs. I know grad school can be stressful but for him to be a constant wet blanket is just a no. God forbid what if you go through a financial Crisis or a terminal disease in future. Is this the partner you want? This coming from someone who had to let a person they connected with very well because he was just plain selfish and his pain was more important than mine.
Have you told him how you feel?
Honestly, what you’ve described is a shitty relationship you’d better off leaving behind.
HOWEVER, you’ve stuck around this long, you may want to try giving him a last chance before calling it quits. First, have a “come to Jesus” talk: he needs to hear in no uncertain terms that he’s turned into an asshole you’re not willing to support nor spend time with anymore. He is using you like he’s entitled to your financial support whilst he’s not (this is your mistake btw). You’re not his mother nor wants to be and going forward you expect drastic and immediate changes from him. He needs to learn to manage his stress in a non toxic way, you’re not his punch ball.
You don’t intend to wait until after he graduates in December for these changes to occour. They need to happen now or on top of stressing about finishing his PhD, he’ll have to stress about finding a new place and supporting himself too.
This is your hill to die on because you can’t tolerate that he treats you like shit anytime life becomes hard. Do you think after the PhD there won’t be stressing situations anymore?
Be prepared to leave if he demonstrates that he doesn’t really care about you, actions speak louder than words. It sucks but it’s an act of love towards yourself: you don’t deserve to be mistreated only because he’s stressed out. Fuck him.
Two bullet points down and that’s all I need to read. The financial dependence isn’t even the issue. Dump his ass.
His being dependent on you emotionally and financially is not a reason for you to stay. It’s not like he’s in a coma or something.
Your driven high competence has gotten you a lot in the outside world. But your relationship doesn’t and never will work like that. The more you do the less you will get, in your relationship.
You are doing too much. You are mothering your partner. This has resulted in a codependent relationship.
It’s not your fault that he didn’t rise to the occasion, I’m not saying this is all your fault. What I’m saying is, he is never going to be like you in terms of being driven. And he’s not going to stop taking you for granted the more you do either.
I think you’d be a lot happier with someone who is more competent and confident as a person. But when you find that person, and I know you will, you’ve got to break this habit of doing too much for your partner. The only people who will tolerate that are the people who are going to take you for granted.
You seem awesome and I wish you the best.