I adore my wife. She’s funny and talented and beautiful. The one thing that is causing tension is in the bedroom. I’ve encouraged my wife to speak up and express herself. She has been doing that for a while now but her sex role playing and dirty talk game is well…a little off.
For example, the other night we were getting to the nasty and she asked me to role play as a Star Wars character. I decided to do Luke skywalker….she comes in with a hessian bag and painted green with pointy ears and says and I quote, use the force. I instantly went on a flop, she then said come on get hard again, I said I’m trying…she said do or do not, there’s no trying. I literally just laughed and couldn’t perform. She got mad but dude, out of the characters, she picked fkn Yoda, I watched the mandolin, I cannot f*ck my wife while thinking of baby Yoda. She thought she could make him look hot…a hessian sack and being painted green doesn’t really get the engine going.
Another example was, we were getting frisky in public and I was about to make her hold the moan, as I’m about to do a thing, she whispers in my ear, the vacuum is broken, we need to buy a new one while we’re out….I said ok baby no worries now bring that ass back to daddy, she then says, oh and your mother is coming over tonight….wtaf man. The last thing I want to think of is my mother. I instantly stopped. She got pissed, I tried explaining it to her, she told me I’m too sensitive.
I tried working on building up more of an iron gut when it comes to the random crap she says. The final straw was last night, I was in the zone and she blurts out, knock knock, I said who is there, she said pound her, I said pound her who, she said a double quarter pounder baby, with extra cheese and a whole lotta meat in that beef patty. If it wasn’t already weird having a knock knock joke mid way through coitus, like why not have a pun thrown in there too.
Needless to say, I went soft, same story. We slept in separate bedroom and now she won’t talk to me because and I quote “why didn’t you find that hot” uh I mean.
I’d like to change the way we communicate in the sack, please any advice and halp would be appreciated.
TD;LR: 30f is turning my 33m sex life into a comedy show and getting angry that I can’t perform, how do I change it?
This is hysterical for everyone but you dude, I really don’t know what to suggest but I hope it helps knowing that you made a random Internet stranger laugh his fucking ass off, good shit my man!
I’m DYING laughing ?????? This is the best shit I’ve ever read. I’m so sorry Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
You should just be honest with her and say “look babe, outside the bedroom there’s nothing more I love than your sense of humor and you make me laugh so much. But during sexy times can we PLEASE not try to make me laugh, avoid any topic of my family, and keep things passionate?” If all else fails, start making jokes during sex that’ll turn her off so that when she finally says “what the fuck” you can be like “THIS IS WHAT I MEAN”
Lol…ok that’s pretty fn funny. Not for you, I know…but…still…lol
My only suggestion beyond which, from your post, seems like you already do…is to guide her with dialogue of your own…would be to find some role play porn and have her watch it to give her an idea of what you’d like her to shoot for.
You could also ask her if she finds quarter pounder talk…or discussing your mom’s upcoming visit “hot”…if she does, well, you have a whole other set of issues…lol
I get her sensitivity about not being able to hold up her end of the convo…but if she cares about this she’ll have to let it go and try to understand where you’re coming from.
>she said do or do not, there’s no trying
She sounds fucking hilarious, honestly.
Give her the old “yeah…you like that, you fucking retard”
Personally, I think your wife is hilarious. Hopefully this is like a 1 in 5 times fucking instance and not every time. If it is, I’d happily take that, funny is hot.
For the uninitiated: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf