He used to call me his other dad, he knows I'm his step dad, and has called me it a few times. My wife (28f) and her parents want him to call me just dad, but I've told them not to force it. Recently after a rare overnight stay with his biological dad (30) he came home calling me his fake dad and his biological dad his real dad. I tried to get him to call me other things, as being called fake does hurt a bit, but he insists on calling me his fake dad.
On a side note it seemed his biological father has taken to blaming their divorce on my wife. I explained that it was between his mom and dad and not our business, and that when it comes to disputes who “started it” isn't as important.
How should I feel? I tell people he calls his bio dad his real dad so in a child's logic that makes me his fake dad and that I try not to worry about it.
TL;DR: After a visit to his bio father's my stepson came home calling me fake dad.
Whenever he calls you his “fake dad” just be like “I’m your fake dad but I love you for real!” And scoop him up for hugs and kisses.
You cannot let this hurt your feelings. This is absolutely his bio dad influencing him. He’s only 6yo and doesn’t want to make his “real” dad upset with him. You’ve been involved in his life since he’s formed memories— you’re the safe dad. The one he knows will be there for him.
>>I tell people he calls his bio dad his real dad so in a child’s logic that makes me his fake dad and that I try not to worry about it.
This is absolutely perfect. Divorce and remarriage and step parents are really, really hard for a six year old to cope with. If you take it all in stride and just be a positive presence in his life he will come to appreciate that as he gets older. If underneath it he actually hates you that would be pretty normal. Hopefully he doesn’t but 6 year olds don’t have very clear ideas of cause and effect and can engage in a lot of magical thinking. Don’t look for rationality. He’s not responding rationally (nor is he capable of doing so). If he ever wants to call you dad he will, but he may never do so and that is fine too. Just be there and be positive and he will really thank you one day.
>>I explained that it was between his mom and dad and not our business, and that when it comes to disputes who “started it” isn’t as important.
Bless your heart, you are so kind to this young child. This is a wonderful thing to say. If his dad is blaming mom, and you and mom refuse to blame anyone, the day will come when he will realize how grateful he is to the two of you for not blaming anyone.
Taking a page from same-sex parents, is there another term, like “papa”, that he doesn’t use w/ his biological dad that he could use with you? That might feel better for you and still make sense in his little kid brain too.
> he knows I’m his step dad, and has called me it a few times….Recently after a rare overnight stay with his biological dad (30) he came home calling me his fake dad and his biological dad his real dad.
GEE, I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED.
His bio-dad feels threatened by your position in your stepson’s life, and is trying to manipulate his son. Just keep reminding your stepson that you care about him and you’re not going anywhere.
Try not to let him see that his phrase “fake dad” upsets you too much. If he was trying to hurt you by calling you fake dad, it’s totally fair to say, “That hurts my feelings.” But my money is on his bio-dad emotionally manipulating him into calling you “fake dad”. If you start showing you’re upset, suddenly your stepson is trapped between two grown men that are making emotional demands of him (“Call him fake dad/Don’t call me fake dad”), and the bio-dad might even use that as leverage. “See, he’s upset with you. I bet he hates you now.”
If you remain the consistent loving force in your stepson’s life, and (given by the phrasing “rare overnight stay”) the bio-father isn’t, I imagine this situation will straighten itself out very soon. It’s only if bio-dad starts upping the ante of manipulating his son to discredit you that you will have to take further action.