Honestly, I (27f) feel a little dumb caring about this so much. It kind if feels like, when I was in Jr. High and it was sO dRaMaTiC when someone moved you down a spot in their top 8 on MySpace.
My bf (30m) is a very private person, and for most of our relationship, he didn't even care about social media at all, so it didn't seem like too big of a deal that he wasn't posting me/us together.
However, for the past 5 or 6 months, he flipped a 180° and became Mr. Instagram. He started posting way more, made his profile public, doubled his followers, and is constantly watching people's stories and responding to them as a way to “strike up a conversation with people he hasn't seen in years.”
He says he doesn't want to post about me because 1. He's a very private person, and 2. He is about to start neurosurgery residency in July, and he just wants his IG to be more focused on his professional life.
Except, most of his pictures from the past year are him out with his buddies at bars, or him at a wedding with a drink in his hand, or a party we actually went to together in the Everglades that he posted a bunch of pics from, but I'm not in any of them, and the most infuriating is the string of pictures/videos from his trip to Brazil a few months ago for Carnival, which was certainly not professional.
Oh, and I also can't tag him in anything. Because he doesn't want anyone to be able to find my profile, where I've posted pictures of us throughout our entire relationship. And he recently asked me to make my profile private, or else take down all the pictures of him, for his privacy. I get confused by that because my IG is pretty dang wholesome. My parents follow me, as do several of my friends' parents, my childhood pastor and his children, teachers I've had, the directors of the summer camp I've volunteered at since I was 16, and even kids I used to babysit who are now in high school/college. It isn't as though I post anything NSFW or embarrassing.
Our 5 year anniversary is coming up in June, and I've asked him if he'll post anything about it, and he keeps gently telling me no. When I bring up the fact that he looks like a totally single guy to anyone snooping on his profile, he tells me I'm reading too deeply into it, and asks if I'm bored and want to do something else to “occupy my mind.”
Am I nuts here? I usually don't care much about social media either, but now it's such a giant part of our lives, and outright refusal to be publicly in a relationship after 5 years is weird, right?
I was gonna say “Leave him alone and stop pressuring him to post about you” until I read this:
>Oh, and I also can’t tag him in anything. Because he doesn’t want anyone to be able to find my profile, where I’ve posted pictures of us throughout our entire relationship. And he recently asked me to make my profile private, or else take down all the pictures of him, for his privacy.
Major red flag. If you can’t control what he posts, he should not be telling you that you need to make your profile private.
Something’s up and I don’t know what to tell you except maybe sit him down for a talk and ask him straight up why he’s explicitly trying to remove any trace of you on his social media profiles.
This sorta happened to my best friend, I agree with those who say it is a red flag.
It didn’t end well for them, she found out he was cheating. Not saying this is whats going on here. I just remember her crying and asking why won’t he let me tag him on pics, why can’t he take a cute couples picture?
Well finally she did tag him and the other woman contacted her asking why she was posting pictures w/her boyfriend?!
It was mess. They were together for 9 yrs.
Good luck.
I’m sorry OP but he’s being shady. Being private is one thing but completely keeping you a secret from his online friends is a red flag. He’s starting a new program soon and will meet new people – do you think this is his way of “starting fresh”?
You’re a place holder to him, I’m afraid. Being a private person is one thing, wanting you to take down pictures of you both in your OWN Ig account, major red flag. He cares more about his online persona than you and your feelings, not a behavior a loving bf would do.
Look at other aspects of your relationship and the way he treats you, I doubt this is the one single thing he does that screams he’s not the one for you, please do, let’s indulge here and say that maybe the ig thing on itself could have some justification, but if there’s other issues that make you feel doubtful, reevaluate your relationship. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy drag you down any further.
You sound like a caring and kind person, you deserve someone that’s so proud to be with you
He is presenting himself as single. He wants other women to think he is available- because he is.
You had better prepare yourself to be replaced- or he is already actively cheating on you.
The good news is you are wonderful and not easy to replace…as yet.
He is no longer in love with nor infatuated by you. He is biding his time with you as a familiar back up.
There is no doubt about this behavior. It has happened to me and many others.
I was MARRIED to mine, helping him start careers and homes and I tried to believe him. He even used a family member that turned on me as an excuse not to post and upset them more.
However once the the other woman replaced me? He posts pictures of them happy together all the time.
I’ve heard from others and the same thing happened- every time.