We've been together about six years, living together for three and half. he works for a large corporation, and has been working remotely since Covid came to town
By working, I mean he attends hourish-long meetings on Monday and Thursday mornings, on Teams, cameras off, and to which he never seems to contribute much of anything. He spends maybe ten to fifteen minutes a day replying to emails. Very occasionally he has to make a phone call.
About three hours of work a week, tops. For this he pulls in nearly three times my income. And he recently got promoted.
I'm a nurse. I don't wanna be one of those healthcare workers who acts holier-than-thou about his job, but I do spend 12 hours on my feet. Working. Granted, I only work 3 or 4 days a week, but when I come home I'm exhausted.
We split our finances evenly, and he has never hesitated to give me money when I need it or he even thinks I need it. We split housework evenly, and he always does his fair share. He is loving, caring, considerate. He's always interested in me. He always asks about my day.
I stopped asking about his day a long time ago. The answer was always the same: “not much.”
He's had a relatively easy life. That's not his fault, it's just how the dice landed. He grew up solidly middle class and did the things he was supposed to do and things fell into place for him. I grew up poor. I've been working since my teens. I spent much of my adulthood poor, but I managed to get myself through school and I've been proud of my accomplishments.
I come home after a long day and see him lounging around in the same clothes he slept in, and I find myself just seething with jealousy and anger at how unfair the world is. I don't wanna blame him, or anyone, for being the benefactor of luck they didn't ask for, but I can't deny my feelings. I can't deny that increasingly I am seeing the person I love as a symbol of so much that is wrong in the world today. And I do love him, and I don't want to feel this way.
tl;dr: My partner gets paid a lot for doing very little. It's making me resentful and starting to affect how I see him. Does anybody out there have a similar experience? How do you navigate these feelings?
Resentment is an absolute killer in relationships. He sounds like someone you love who’s good to you. Perhaps you should see about transitioning to adjacent work; there are jobs going through medical documents, research support or video/phone nursing work. Maybe see some specialist who helps people transition careers.
You should talk to him about your unhappiness with your current career (though I’d advise you to leave out the burning jealousy), at least that way you’re sharing the emotional burden.
But it’s important to take stock of yourself and your own happiness and not look to compare yourself to others – how could anyone ever be happy if they compared themself to other people?
Edit: typo. Why does my phone always change “with” to “without”?
Hmm, maybe you can switch jobs? This is coming from a nurse who switched over to a less demanding workplace (I still do bedside, but not at an inpatient unit). I can easily see how a stressful, demanding job can brew resentment when your partner looks like he isn’t and you’re pulling equal weight.
That being said, who knows if your boyfriend is feeling the opposite: maybe he wants to help you out more knowing you’re stressed but is “stuck” because he doesn’t want to make you feel as if he is holier-than-thou. He could be bored out of his mind at work and is trying to support you as much as he can.
Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy. I think you should have a serious talk with him to see what you can both do to address these feelings. Or get a third party (therapist) to talk them out with.
There are a lot of responses here that say similar things, so here’s something different. What do you guys do outside of work? Are there any particularly challenging hobbies you pursue together that put you on the same level physically, mentally, or emotionally? If not, maybe find something to share between you. It seems like your jobs have put your lifestyles at odds with one another, and finding new commonalities might be good for you. Especially if those things get him off the couch, maybe make him sweat a little (sports, outdoor stuff, etc). 😀
Do you think any of your resentment comes from
the financial side of things? You don’t mention being stressed about money, but a lot of couples will split proportionally based on income. If he earns 3x your salary, a more equitable split would be based on percentages (he pays 2/3 you pay 1/3 I think, I suck at math). But that only makes a difference if some of the resentment is financially based.
Otherwise, as others have said maybe moving into another job where you feel happier/more satisfied would make a difference. I’m sorry you’re going through this, these are never easy feelings to have.
How do you know how much he’s working when you’re not there?
When my wife gets home from work early or has a day off, I will do less that day to take advantage of the fact they’re home. That doesn’t mean I work less, it just means I have to work more when they’re not around.
It is beyond rare to be pulling 150k+ and be producing no value to the company. Companies will not be keeping employees around that are not providing value.
This is gonna sound harsh, but yea life is unfair. Some people are gonna have an easier time and make a lot of money doing something that is “do nothing”. If anything this just means you don’t see the value in his skill set and the people that are paying him 3x your salary clearly disagree.
Finally, directing your realization of the world is unfair onto your partner is fucked. When it comes to work most people have the mentality of get the most amount of money for the least amount of time and effort. How is it his fault for doing exactly that?
My girlfriend and I are in a similar situation: although not as extreme as yours. We compensate by NOT splitting the chores and expenses in our life 50/50. It just doesn’t make sense for us. Since she works from home in a lot more relaxed job, she handles nearly all the day to day chores. That way we have a more even level of workload in our life and get to spend more time together