We moved in together in March right after we got married and I was financial supporting the both of us since she had no job (prior she was living with her sister and planning on getting her masters). I added her to my only checking account. She had $2000 in her own account which she hasn’t touched.
Fast forward to July, 2 weeks after she gets a job she says that going forward we should keep our finances separate. This rubs me the wrong way and I say “Interesting that when I was the only one earning all the money was “ours” but now that you have a job now things are yours vs mine.” From March to July I’ve spent at least 10k on furniture, appliances for us and 4k to have her green card filed. So she responds saying that for the next 5 or 6 months we will pause on separating things and keep things together to make things “fair” since I’ve paid for everything. Basically all our income goes into our joint account.
Now yesterday we have this discussion again. She says she’s firm on keep things separate but we should both do our research and come to a plan that we both can agree on. So nothing is final for now but she did mention that since she makes less than I do so it wouldn’t be fair for her if we split expenses 50/50. I make 74k year with a 401k, dental and healthcare that also covers her. She works under the books since she can’t legally work yet and so no taxes but no benefits either ($3200 cash monthly).
She says if things ever got ugly between us she needs a sense of security that she will have a financial cushion to rely on. I told her it feels as if its an insurance plan to protect her against me and that she doesn’t fully trust me. I feel like she is too focused on her “Plan B” but she says she is trying to be practical about her future and I responded saying what about “our future.” She told me I am reacting only emotionally and not thinking from her perspective. She says her she has trauma from her abusive sister threatening to kick her out multiple times when she had no job and she doesn't want to feel unsafe again. I have made it clear to her I need time to process this because if this was discussed before marriage or right as we moved in together I wouldn’t be feel this sour about it as I am now. The timing of all this rubs me the wrong way. She says even if things are separate everything is still “ours” but its doesn't feel like it to me.
TL;DR: Wife want to separate finances but only brings it up as soon as she starts making money.
Am I over reacting? being unreasonable and emotional about this? How should should I proceed? What is fair?
If both of you put 35% of your income into a shared account and keep the rest separate. That seems fair.
Wondering how long you have known her.
OP, I have experience with this as I immigrated my husband here on a K-1 visa, which I presume you guys also did since you moved in so fast and she still can’t work.
Her request is a giant, gaping red flag. And it WILL affect you during the removal of conditions phase. They will want to see some kind of joint account between you and you guys both sharing finances in some way – joint bank account, joint credit card, something.
My suggestion would be to fire back at her that you need a joint marital fund account – checking and savings – and you each calculate how much you contribute based on household expenses and your equal share of those expenses with your income disparity in mind. So maybe you do 55% and she does 45%. I’m almost certain there’s calculators online for this that will lay everything out for you.
If she is unwilling to do this, I would be heavily reconsidering your sponsorship of her visa. Period. I hate to say it but is the truth. This is a huge red flag.
I’m also going to tell you: she needs to stop working under the table like yesterday if you want to stay with her. This can get her permanently banned from the US.
Me and my wife have a joint account for the bills and stuff. We split these bills accordingly and pay an amount in each month. The rest stays in our own accounts. She pays more in than me because I do the weekly food shop. It roughly balances out. We cover the bills and the rest is our own.