My husband and I have been together almost 8 years, married for 2 and half of those .Last May (2019) we seperated seemingly overnight. He left me and our toddler and moved back to his hometown. There was never a solid reason given, just that he felt we should have never gotten married. In July, he changed his tune and wanted to be a family again. He was still at his job in his hometown, so I decided I would ride it out at my job in a different city for a couple of months to build my resume and then start looking for other jobs in his hometown. After 6 months of a brutal commute, taking care of our child during the week by myself and driving to his hometown EVERY weekend, interviewing, basically bending over backwards, I finally landed a great job in December. A week before I was to move into the new house we were buying together and start my new job, I found out he had been having an affair. He begged and pleaded for me to stay with him, said he’d break off all contact, and I foolishly agreed to give him another chance. Two days later while I was back in the different city and completing my last week of work at my old job, he unblocked her on everything and liked her pictures on Instagram. I was devastated. On top of that shit show, he kicked me out of the house we were supposed to move in together and I had to find a new place to live TWO days before starting my new position. We have lived seperately ever since. He has said and done so many hateful things in this time period, and said so many times that he wants a divorce that I’ve lost count. Up until a month ago he was still maintaining contact with her. I saw her car at his house, took pictures for the lawyers, etc. and he admitted he had been talking with her still. I stopped doing the “pick me dance” about a month ago and stopped reaching out to him besides contact about our child. Now he has suddenly changed his tune and is “desperate” to get me back and will do anything. He has unfollowed her on everything. Unliked all her pictures. Tells me not to give up on our family. I’ve moved on… I am not interested in pursuing another relationship with him. He’s hurt me deeply and I feel like I’ve been fucked over by him so many times that I’ve lost count. How can I tell him there isn’t a chance without sounding like a completely heartless person? I still want to be able to maintain a strong coparenting relationship with him, so I am friendly to him, but he seems to take that as I want him back. I have relayed to him my feelings, but they fall on deaf ears. He says he will never stop trying to get our family back together and does not want a divorce. I do. Does anyone have advice?
TL;DR: husband cheated and left me, was adamant he wanted a divorce, now when I want one too he changes his tune.
Edited to add, just to show the kind of person he is: When I asked him about the reason for his sudden change of heart, he said it was because I “seemed stronger”. Ahhh, the irony. Honestly, a big thank you to the prick for yanking the rug under my feet not once, but twice, because I truly have realized how much better I can do and how I don’t need anyone but myself to have a happy life.
2nd Edit: Seriously, thank you to everyone who has read my story and commented. You have no idea how much it’s helping me to focus on myself and realize I need stop considering the feelings of someone who had no consideration of mine. I only hope that anyone who is in a similar situation realizes that you CAN and you DO move on. And I promise that you will feel like a 10,000 pound weight has been lifted off your back.
You are not “heartless” for being direct about your feelings—and even if you were, why would you be so careful about his feelings when he cares so little for yours?
You need a lawyer to come up with a custody agreement. You do not need to be “friendly” with him to coparent effectively. You just need to be cordial and not disparage him in front of your child.