I’m using a throwaway account because my friends are aware of my main account. For context, my boyfriend and I live in the CA, USA. I met “M” through one of my friends at a NYE party in 2019. We hit it off and exchanged numbers. At first I thought “M” and I would remain friends only. After knowing each other for a year, we both started to develop feelings for one another, which eventually led to a relationship.
Just to clarify, I turned 17 in January 2019 and turned 18 a few months ago. I always had issue with my parents growing up and M was always there for me. He supported me through everything. When I graduated HS, I moved out and started living with M. I cut contact with my parents and I don’t want to turn to them for anything anymore.
After sex, he’d throw away the condom in the trash can and he’d clean me up. It’s a small trash can in our bed room so I always dump it into the larger one on the kitchen. Anyway, I was emptying out the smaller one in the larger trash can. I’ve noticed there were tiny holes in the condom. Not just one or two but several. I’m no longer on birth control due to the side effects I’ve experienced. I haven’t been on it for a week. I’m not sure how long he’s been doing this and it’s scaring the shit out of me.
He’s all I have and I don’t want to lose him. I love him so much and he’s treated me better than my parents have. We’ve had issues in the past and it still goes on. Whenever I’m doing homework, he’d kiss my neck and touch me. I usually brush it off but he constantly tries to initiate sex, when I clearly don’t want it. I’m really small and light so it’s easy for him to pick me up and throw me into the bed. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he constantly disregards it. Even if I’m crying during sex, he’ll just get rougher. I feel so helpless and lost at this point.
TDLR: boyfriend poked holes in condoms.
Hi OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I’m concerned about both the large, predatory age gap and this behavior with the condoms. Though you are now 18, he has been grooming you since you were a minor. You are still a teenager; he is a grown adult. Grooming is a pattern of coercive behaviors used by someone to establish control and dominance over a youth to gain their trust, eventually leading to sexual exploitation and abuse.
Condom manipulation is a form of reproductive coercion, which is a type of domestic violence. Reproductive coercion is a behavior through which one partner maintains power and control over the other partner’s reproductive health and choices.
With both the condom manipulation and throwing you into bed against your will, he is sexually assaulting and raping you.
This is a guide to reproductive coercion, including condom manipulation.
Oftentimes, reproductive coercion is intended to cause pregnancy, as individuals are easier to control and are more dependent when they are pregnant.
You may want to consider contacting a local family planning clinic to check into more discrete birth control options that won’t cause so many negative side effects and can’t be tampered with as easily. This is a list of every Planned Parenthood in California. PP provides contraception counseling and emergency contraception.
This contraceptive chart from Children by Choice lists the various contraceptive methods and their risk of being detected by an abusive partner. Options may include an implant, Depo, an IUD with the strings cut, etc. It’s important that if you do choose to obtain a different method of birth control, that you discuss with the provider the risks of detection by your partner if you choose to remain with him. u/acynicalwitch is a great person to talk to regarding reproductive health options as they run a sexual and reproductive health clinic.
This is the Children by Choice Contraceptive Chart for Reproductive Coercion.
Please consider contacting Love Is Respect, they are an organization dedicated to helping youth and young adults in abusive relationships. They have advocates available 24/7 via text, phone, and online chat. Text LOVEIS to 22522 or call 1-866-331-9474.
You can also find a list of all the domestic abuse agencies in California here, organized by region and city.
And you can find a list of all youth dating violence organizations in California here.
Please also consider putting together a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that includes ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. Safety planning involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action and more. This is an example of a safety plan for COVID-19.
He is an abusive person. Leave him as soon as you can. Having sex with you when you say no, is rape. He is trying to make you pregnant so you won’t leave him. Find somewhere to go and get out.
girl. he GROOMED YOU. and now he is trying to lock you down with a pregnancy. also what hes doing is ILLEGAL. its sexual assault.
> Just to clarify, I turned 17 in January 2019 and turned 18 a few months ago. I always had issue with my parents growing up and M was always there for me. He supported me through everything. When I graduated HS, I moved out and started living with M. I cut contact with my parents and I don’t want to turn to them for anything anymore.
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> Whenever I’m doing homework, he’d kiss my neck and touch me. I usually brush it off but he constantly tries to initiate sex, when I clearly don’t want it. I’m really small and light so it’s easy for him to pick me up and throw me into the bed. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he constantly disregards it. Even if I’m crying during sex, he’ll just get rougher.
leave IMMEDIATELY.
this is RAPE. im so sorry but he is raping you, honey.
he groomed you and abused his status as an adult towards a CHILD who then turned into a young adult. what a sick bastard. probably has pedo tendencies as well if he was oh so nice and supportive and groomed you when you were a kid.
This is NOT a boyfriend. Do you have friends or somewhere safe you can go? When he picks you up and throws you in bed while you are crying… that’s rape. He’s a predator, and saw a vulnerable young girl. Now he’s trying to trap you by getting you pregnant. Please. Leave now. You are not safe.
He’s purposefully trying to trap you with pregnancy. This is technically assault/rape.
This is an early indicator of future escalating abuses.
You need to file a report and get him out of your life.