My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been married for 3 years. On multiple occasions, I have observed that my wife applies a different moral standards to me compared to her family. While she is vocal about pointing out things I should or shouldn't do, she tends to remain silent when her family engages in similar behavior.
For instance, during a recent grocery shopping trip, I didn't push the cart back into the cart return because we were in a hurry, it was hot outside and we had ice cream in the car. Although I understand that it was the right thing to do and admittedly it would have only taken me a few seconds, in that moment I just wanted to get home quickly. My wife expressed her disapproval, took the car keys, and insisted that I return the cart before we could leave. I gave in and pushed the cart back.
A few days later, while shopping at the mall with my wife's sister and husband, the same situation occurred, but this time it was her sister who didn't push the cart back. Strangely, my wife didn't say anything to her sister about it.
This pattern of behavior has become evident on multiple occasions, and it bothers me that my wife appears to apply double standards, treating me differently from her family. When I brought up my concerns with her, she responded by emphasizing that she is married to me, not her sister, implying that her sister's actions are not relevant to our relationship because I'm the one she has to be with 24/7. However, I tried to convey that it's not just about her sister specifically but rather about her willingness to set distinct expectations for me compared to her family. Despite my attempts to explain this, she remained adamant, continually repeating that she is married to me, not her sister. Is it ok that my wife holds me to different standards than she does her family? What are some ways (words I should use) to tell my wife that I don't like how she sets double standards for me?
It’s less of a double standard and more of a higher standard.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable
If your most pertinent example is you not putting back a shopping cart…
I couldn’t get past your first example, lol what the hell you couldn’t put your cart back…I admittedly stopped reading and wondered to myself if this was a troll account with a purposeful bad example of lack of self awareness.
If it’s true then I still don’t blame your wife for saying something. Like she is married to you you are one, she can’t be responsible for her sister..
Also why the hell is no one in the family putting the cart back what the absolute hell
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I’m gonna need more examples of the double standards.
The one you have given, simply tells me that your wife feels more comfortable with you than she does her sister. It’s not unreasonable for her to expect her chosen life partner to be at a higher standard that someone she had zero say in being related to.
She probably thinks you’re capable of more.
I have relatives that I don’t bother trying to change because it’s not worth my time and energy. Doesn’t help that my communication with them is more charged and unpleasant than with my immediate family. And more to the point, if I had to live with them, I’d probably end up saying more anyway. It’s much easier to ignore the habits of people you don’t live with.
Maybe the way she’s talking to you is annoying you. The two of you could find language (using humor? code? something that doesn’t rub you the wrong way?) to figure that part out. If you can’t work on that without getting charged up and unpleasant, maybe bring in a third person (yes, another therapist recommendation but in this case, it might only take a couple of sessions) to figure out happier modes of communication.
Do you have siblings?
People generally don’t choose their siblings. We can’t pressure them to act differently or to condone our preferred patterns of behavior or morals or whatever. We don’t expect them to behave in a way that completely aligns with our ideals and values, and we don’t behave in a way that would align with theirs.
Partners are very different from that. We have higher standards, higher expections for our partners. They are the people we do choose to be with. Who we share our lives with by choice and who we very often choose to live with. So of course we want them to be people who we can respect and who we can share same behavioral values with.
I don’t see it as a double standard. It’s just about different human relationships working in different ways.
Sorry, I’m with your wife on this. You should be better than her family because she’s living with you and married to you. You should want to be better and stop asking your wife to lower her standards for you. It may seem like small things, but it all adds up to bigger stuff.