I'm a trans man who's presented as male since age 14, started hormones at 17, had top surgery at 22 and then moved to a new area when I was 25. I'm cis passing and do so easily. I'm a hairy guy so even when I have my shirt off my top surgery scars aren't visible.
I've never really dated much. At least not seriously. First it was because teens are fucking awful, I was bullied a lot and nobody in my school wanted to date a trans guy. Then I wasn't really secure in my body and had a lot of dysphoria. After that I just focused on school and work and dating didn't seem all that important. I have friends and hobbies and keep fit and filled my time with other stuff and never really felt the need to find a stable long term relationship.
I've had a few flings but they were people I met at gay/LGBTQ clubs and not really anyone I associate with anymore. It was kind of a phase, I was trying to identify myself, but then I realized I didn't really fit in with that culture much. I'm not “out” because to me being trans isn't a huge part of my identity. It's just kind of like my eye color or hair color to me.
“Casey” was the first real friend I met since coming here. Over the years our relationship has gone through a lot of cycles. We'll hang out all the time for a few months, then one or both of us get busy with something else and we don't talk a lot for a few weeks or months. Repeat. There's never bad feelings or fights, we know we'll reconnect again so we don't sweat it.
Well we've ended up quarantined together. She works in healthcare, her father is severely immunocompromised. After some discussion we decided it would be a good idea for her to stay with me.
And it's been great. We're having tons of fun. We get Doordash from weird restaurants we'd never try ordinarily. Find new movies to watch. Picked up some crafting hobbies to pass the time. We're like an old married couple and I love having her here.
The other night we talked about how this is so easy and yet it feels different than our “normal” comfortable friendship. Neither of us wanted to jump into saying “Yes let's be together” because this time has been weird for a lot of people. We don't want to start a committed relationship just based on proximity.
But the other night we did end up fooling around a little and now I'm freaked out.
She doesn't know I'm trans. I haven't had bottom surgery and never plan to. Anyone else I've had sex with was either just a hook up or someone I got to know at a club probably while wearing a trans flag t-shirt.
This is the first cis woman I really care about as a person I've had any kind of intimacy with, she's probably my best friend and idk how to tell her. I'm worried she might already feel deceived because she's known me this whole time and I never told her and now we've messed around
I feel like I'm also too old for this to just be an issue now.
tl;dr I'm trans and my best female friend of 9 years doesn't know. We're quarantined together and getting closer. We've already fooled around sexually once. I know I need to tell her but I have no idea how. How should I proceed?
I’m a very understanding gal and I support every movement without hesitation, my hang up is that I’m straight and if I got involved with someone I would want to know they have the body that matches my sexual preference. I haven’t a clue what to do with vaginas, I’ve tried and it’s a giant mystery that I don’t feel attracted to enough to try. Don’t surprised if this is a dealbreaker for her, it might be super awkward but there’s no way around it now but to just say it out loud in a calm voice.
Don’t preface it with an ominous text like “we need to talk about something serious” just set out some drinks and snacks, put some happy or chill music on and tell her. It doesn’t have to be stressful but do know that since you engaged beyond friendship that she might be frustrated, hurt, confused or say something insensitive since this will be a pretty big surprise after 9 years of knowing you. I’d love to hear an update, I really hope things are okay for you two and who knows maybe she is totally fine either way.
You can start with the fact that that you didn’t expect things to turn romantic, and you didn’t know how to tell her. Just sit down after work or when things are calm and lay it out. You have to prepare for it to be awkward. And yes, there is a possibility of her feeling deceived and hurt that you never told her.
Also, I wonder if maybe therapy would help you? Nobody says that you have to be out and make being trans your entire identity, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with being stealth, but it also sounds like you hold yourself back from relationships because of it. You’ve known this girl for nine years and you’ve never opened up to her about who you are and what struggles you’ve faced. It might be something to look into to help your growth as a person.
Well have you spoken to her about trans issues? Maybe find out where she stands before you tell her.
Just bring it up. I know what you mean about not being stealth but also not being the most visible. The people who don’t get it or think you should’ve “disclosed” at some point are out of touch.
All that’s relevant for her to know is you might not have the junk she’s expecting, and all you need to know is whether that takes everything off the table or just some stuff, before you go farther. If you both still want to. If you choose to have a heart-to-heart about it as well, that’s chill, but I promise you that you don’t have to treat it like a big deal.
You’re still a man with appeal regardless of how it all turns out. Best of luck broaching the topic. Update would be lovely.
Hope everything turns out ok. I like just saying what I have to say and be done with it. Alot of times what I think will happen is 90% worse than what actually goes down. Have faith in your friend and have faith in yourself. Again hope it goes well, gl.