Long story:
Summer of 2009: my father comes out as a trans woman. He has felt from a young age that he should have been a woman but was not supported by his parents and went on to marry and have a child (me).
After having tried to make the marriage with my mother work and suppress who he was, he decided to transition after having gone through counseling.
It was a very rough time for the entire family. My mother didn't want to stay married to a woman and so they divorced. My other parent was initially denied shared custody but fought for it in court and got co-parenting rights. She was always good to me. Meals in time, home work checked, bringing me to my hobbies etc. It was however very difficult for me to accept that I no longer had a father.
That plus the fact that my mother is a conservative and encouraged me to break ties with her, resulted in the fact that at 9 years old I told my other parent I didn't want to see her anymore. She initially tried to fight it in court but after a conservative judge denied her request, she made peace with it. She kept paying alimony voluntarily despite never seeing me, until I turned 18.
She sent cards for my birthday and with Christmas, until I turned 18.
I was too much under influence from my mother to make a decision.
Fast forward to this summer: curiosity got the best of me.
I looked her up on Facebook and it seems she got married to a guy 6 years ago.
She seems to be working as a lawyer now ( so making good money probably ).
She looks different.
Her face looks very different.
I think she must have had facial surgery.
She looks very feminine and if I didn't know I couldn't tell.
Which makes it all the weirder.
My dad is really a woman now?
One post from almost 10 years ago wishes her good luck with her surgery and the long recovery.
I suppose she had the sex change surgery.
All these posts on her Facebook make me emotional.
She doesn't seem like the same person I knew.
Do I even still have something in common with her?
Will I be able to accept that she is in a relationship with a guy?
Her profile says “interested in men” under info.
Why did she marry a woman then?
Can I call her dad?
When she sent cards she always signed off with Madeline, her new name.
The cards were given to me by Madeline's parents on behalf of Madeline.
I also am slightly upset with her for having stopped sending me cards when I turned 18.
Same for college expenses. My other parent had to pay all the bills for my college expenses because she stopped sending money after I turned 18.
Part of me wants to reach out to her and see what could be. The other part wants to leave it in the past and consider Madeline someone who took my dad away and someone who is no longer familiar to me.
I don't even know what my other parent will think of this.
She might not approve of me having contact with Madeline.
TD;LR my biological father became a woman when I was 5. I kept going to her until I was 9 and until my conservative mother suddenly no longer respected the shared custody. I told Madeline I didn't want contact with her anymore at that time. She tried to fight it in court and lost. She kept paying alimony and sending cards until I was 18. A bit over a year ago the cards and the money stopped. I looked her social media profiles up recently and learned a lot about Madeline. She looks completely different from the person I used to know and she is married to a guy now. Part of me wants to get to know her and the other part feels like she is too different from the person I used to know. My other parent wouldn't approve.
As an adult you should make your own decisions. Don’t live your life as your mother would like. Don’t live your life as Madeline would like. Definitely don’t live your life as redditors would like. You do you.
I’m a trans woman, and right now I have a 9-year-old kid. Me and his mum split custody, just as your folks used to.
I don’t think from your post I understand exactly why you want to get in touch. Do you know why you want to?
If it were me, and I’d sent the cards every year and paid the money you were owed and had received no contact, I’d be heartbroken that the relationship had broken down but I wouldn’t feel like pushing it, now you were an adult, would result in anything good. I’d feel like an offer to pay for college or whatever would be seen as an attempt to buy my way back into your life.
If you just feel like you’re owed money for college and you want an explanation for why your parent is trans I think it’s a bad idea to get in touch. There is going to be no explanation that can satisfy you, and family relationships on a mercenary basis are a recipe for resentment and conflict.
If you want to get to know your parent again, you’re both going to have to start from scratch. If you show up to it going “I don’t know if I can accept you as you are, I may never accept you as you are, and please give me money for college” I think you can tell that’s not a healthy start to an adult relationship with your parent. It seems like she’s holding room for you to get in touch, but if you show up with demands I do not think it will end well. She’s who she is. There are no circumstances under which she will detransition in any way for you. If and when you can live with that, that’s the time to get in touch.
On a side note, please be aware that transition can sometimes, but not always, alter your relationship to sex and sexuality. It’s not super uncommon for trans women to discover as part of transition that they have a stronger attraction than they expected to a particular sex; we repress a LOT before coming out, in an effort to fit in.
Sounds like a conversation for therapy but I don’t understand why you would want her to keep reaching out to you when you have explicitly said you didn’t want her to and haven’t retracted that statement.
She’s respecting your wishes especially as you’re now a fully grown adult. If you want a relationship with her, you should reach out but don’t feel entitled/upset that she isn’t pouring (money, time, energy) into someone that (as far as she knows) doesn’t want her to.
I want to say that you are not the bad person for finding this situation hard to handle. You were used as a weapon by your mother in her expressing her anger at your other parent. It is also legitimately complicated to have a parent who is biologically your father go through an extensive gender transition.
At the end of the day, it seems to me that she would like to be in your life but is (rightfully) leaving that up to you. She will probably not be the ‘Dad’ you remember or even who she was immediately post transition – And you might decide after reaching out that that was not the right thing to do. But there is a chance she could be someone who could love and support you if you were willing and interested in reconnecting with her. None of us can tell you what to do . My only suggestion is that you might consider talking about some of this with a counselor or other mental health professional to help you unpack things more first. It sounds like a little too much was placed on your shoulders as a kid and you could use a little assistance to work through it, if you wanted.
If you’re going to her because you want her money, don’t. If you’re going to her because you miss the person that was your dad and you’re just uncertain how to proceed, do.
She probably has a lot of people who cut ties because they don’t understand. She may not understand the best way to go about it. She supported you by choice for a great while. You’ve noticed the paycheck is gone. Do you also want the relationship? It won’t ever be the father son relationship you imagined, but she probably still loves you as a parent only can. You might find something there, but only if you go looking for the right reasons and a paycheck ain’t it.
I think you need to figure out what you want, first.
If you decide you’re ready to get in contact, there’s a lot of information and advice out there about how to proceed with an estranged trans family member. But you don’t sound entirely certain that you’re capable of doing that, or that it’s something you even want to try. So I think you should sit with your options for a while. Envision the rest of your life without any contact with this woman. Do you think you’d be content? Would you make peace with that absence? Let go of her in your heart for good? Does it feel right? Does it feel wrong? Do you feel relieved, or does the thought of it distress you?
Then envision the rest of your life if you reconnect with her. How do you see the first interaction? How do you see the relationship evolving? Do you think you could adjust? Do you think you could forgive? Do you want her forgiveness for anything in your past? Is the discomfort worth the chance to talk through old wounds with someone you once loved? Someone you may love again, if you get to know her as an adult? Does that possibility fill you with hope or dread?
Think hard about it. Let yourself feel the possible outcomes of your choices. And then, if you decide to proceed with a reconciliation attempt, you can start to figure out how to approach her.
While OP’s feelings about college money are morally questionable at best, PLEASE remember that she is 19. She’s an “adult” mentally about as much as a banana is a hammer.
OP. You’ve already decided, you WANT to be more open to the world, you WANT some sort of relationship with your other parent.
You said she’s a lawyer and now married. Likely she’s doing fine financially.
Reach out, tell her that you have NO idea how to navigate this, but that you want to build a relationship.
If your mom does something drastic like cutting you off, I’ll bet Madeline will help you navigate that too.
Tell her you’d like therapy, both as an individual, and maybe together if she’s up for it.
She didn’t stop loving you, she just reached the point where she assumed you were lost to her. Let her know she’s wrong.
Now I’m going to be mean: your mom is a bigot, controlling, and a hateful person. Don’t let her ruin your life anymore.
Your parent didn’t “suddenly” stop reaching out. She stopped after you didn’t want anything to do with her and never responded for a decade. You were a child she was responsible for, you’re now an adult she simply doesn’t know.
Which means she was forced to have some kinda contact with your hateful and bigoted mother up until you were 18, your parent also has no way to pay for your college without continuing speaking to her. Or reaching out to you, who (the last time you actually spoke to her) made it clear you supported your mother in her hate, and then indirectly let her know you still didn’t want contact for a decade straight with your radio silence.
I understand you were brainwashed and that this must’ve been very difficult for you as a child. You’re however now an adult, albeit a young adult, and fully capable of empathising with your parents situation in this. If you want contact, it’s your turn to reach out. (Without expecting college money even if you’re pretty sure she makes good money being a lawyer).