Tl;dr : My husband discovered that he is or wants to be polyamorous and wants to add another woman, a friend of mine, to our relationship. I'm not polyamorous and while I am attracted to both men and women I'm uncomfortable with including another partner in our relationship and he has continued talking to her and trying to ask me about it even after I've explained my discomfort with it.
My husband (29m) and I (28f) have been together for roughly 9 years, married for 7, and recently had our first and likely only child, born at the end of 2019. (we both only wanted to have one) After many, MANY long discussions I agreed to leave my job and stay home with our child until they start school.
I was very reluctant to leave my job as it was significantly better than the jobs I worked during my 11 years in the minimum wage service industry, it paid WAY better, actually had benefits and employee bonuses, and paid sick leave ( which is unheard of in most if not all minimum wage jobs) and was unsure I could find and get another job like it after our little one started school.
Financially speaking we could afford for me to stay home and eventually I did agree that it would be better for our child if I stayed home with him since we both grew up with very busy parents (meaning they were mostly unintentionally absent) and didn't want that for the little one.
A few weeks after I've resigned and there's no going back my husband tells me that he is Polyamorous and wants to know if I would be okay with having another partner in our relationship, a girlfriend for both of us in a sense, and if I would be okay with that potential girlfriend being a friend of mine…
I'm not at all uncomfortable with polyamory in a general sense, but I myself am not polyamorous and ultimately not comfortable having a romantic or intimate relationship whatsoever with more than one person. I'm also still dealing with post partum hormones and adjusting to hormonal birth control so I've had to struggle to keep my moods and emotions in check…
I did tell him about this, how I wasn't comfortable with it and didn't like it so he asked me to just think about it and has continued to talk to my friend daily, almost constantly. Honestly I just don't like the idea of it, it hurts to think about him being romantic and intimate with another woman. Hell, to be honest it hurts me that he even wants another partner at all especially since the partner he wants is a friend of mine. It makes me feel and think “I'm not enough” and I hate that because that's probably not even the case.
I don't want to agree to something that I'm not okay with that also hurts me, but I don't want to say no either because I can't fight the feeling that saying no will lead to him cheating on me…
I really don't want to leave him either, because I do love him and if it comes down to it and I end up wanting or needing to leave, I'm in the frustrating position of needing to find a job to support not only myself, but a child as well… A JOB LIKE THE ONE I JUST LEFT.
I'm hurt and frustrated, I don't know what to do and I don't have anyone I'm comfortable talking to about this and I need help. I need advice, because every time he brings it up and I'm honest with him he asks me to take some more time and consider it.
Sorry, but this is bullshit. He gets you pregnant, gets you to quit and then throws the “I want to bang your friend” bomb at you? Hell no! Divorce and get child support to tide you over while you look for a new job.
> I really don’t want to leave him either, because I do love him and if it comes down to it and I end up wanting or needing to leave, I’m in the frustrating position of needing to find a job to support not only myself, but a child as well… A JOB LIKE THE ONE I JUST LEFT.
Love isn’t enough. Your husband is basically pushing you into accepting what he wants…. first it was your job, now it’s him wanting to fuck your friend. He doesn’t really respect you.
Keep in mind, if you divorce, you will have a custody agreement and child support agreement.
> so he asked me to just think about it and has continued to talk to my friend daily, almost constantly
This is so far from okay….. your husband is extremely inappropriate and you need to shut this down now.
Also…. can you get your job back?
See if your job will take you back. It sounds like he planned to place you into a vulnerable position so that he could pressure you into going along with him having an extramarital affair, because if you don’t agree to being poly he is literally cheating on you right now. If you don’t think you’ve expressed your lack of consent clearly, you can bluntly tell him what he’s doing is a deal breaker, but I’d start quietly looking for work before you put your foot down for your own sake. I’m sorry he’s doing this to you, it really is terrible, disgusting and frankly insulting to healthy poly relationships.
Does your friend know you’re not comfortable with their relationship? Does she even know he’s priming her for a poly relationship or essentially to be his mistress given you don’t want a poly relationship? Does she not care what she’s doing to you?
Regards your husband, he sounds very abusive. He’s ensured you’re at your most vulnerable and then suggested a drastic change in your relationship and continued pursuing someone outside your relationship when you’ve said no to the change in terms.
HE IS ALREADY CHEATING ON YOU. When you said no to poly and he continued, he is cheating already.
Speak to your support network, find out your options, speak to a lawyer and take steps to protect yourself. Then once lockdown is over, protect yourself and your child and leave him. Don’t allow him to wear down your self worth so you just accept whatever behaviour he throws at you.
Finding a “candidate” and then asking your existing partner for a poly relationship is exactly the wrong way to go. And even if miraculously you turned out to be poly as well, right now he should be supporting you in parenting duties, not chasing that sweet new relationship energy. He sounds like a very selfish person.