I was not allowed to sleep at anyone else’s house with a man growing up. This pretty much equated to 0 sleepovers allowed, since most of my friends lived with both their parents. It frustrated me, but I understood, definitely moreso now. Can you just phrase the issue as “I don’t know him very well, and my children’s safety takes priority” more than an attack on his character? As a mother, she should understand the need to take even seemingly unnecessary precautions. Regardless of if she takes offense, you should put your foot down and do not let her manipulate you. You should trust your gut, especially when it comes to your children, and don’t let anyone make you feel about it.
Don’t worry about offending her because odds are that she will be offended. You have children to protect. I wouldn’t let my kids go to someone’s house with a man I didn’t know, much less someone that gave off red flags.
“My kids aren’t allowed to spend the night anymore”
“I didn’t like the way he touched my son’s arm, and I don’t want my kids around him.”
You tell her that you’re not comfortable with sleepovers anymore and don’t entertain any arguments. Walk away from them. Let your Mama Bear instincts kick into high gear. The alarm bells are ringing loudly inside your head. Listen to them. They’re going off for a reason.
I’d recommend Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear”. I don’t care for all the bragging he does in the book, but the lessons learned outweigh any negatives imho. We’ve been given this great instinct that tells us when something’s off and we should absolutely listen to it. Protect your kids.