Highlight the red flags, DON’T try and paint them green

I (F 20) got out of a year and a half relationship about 4 months ago. I know I am still very young, but I do believe I’ve learned quite a bit from what I’ve been through; and I want to share what’s helped me not only with my breakup, but my mindset towards dating going forward.

1. Red flags: Do NOT ignore them. It’s easy to accept someone’s flaws and want to “fix them” or think “it will be different with me” when you love them and care for them. Something I have learned is when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. It doesn’t matter how much you love, try, or beg; that person will not change for anybody but themselves, and unfortunately you begging them to will not convince them to. Sadly sometimes people like this never change, even with encouragement. It’s a toxic trait to YOURSELF when you try and “fix” people.

2. Sex is really important. Now I know sex is not all a relationship is. Relationships are a lot more than just sex BUT I will say (me personally at least) it is a very important part of a healthy relationship. To be on the same page as your partner when it comes to sex not only brings you two closer and grows your bond, but it totally eliminates sexual frustration and conflict regarding sex which is never easy or fun to deal with. Sexual chemistry with your partner and communication about sex is a must. It doesn’t mean you two have to bang like rabbits (unless you guys want to, then have at it!) it just means understanding and meeting your partners sexual needs is a huge positive to a relationship. Being sexually frustrated can lead to resentment and difficult conflict to resolve.

3. You need your own lives. It’s so nice finding someone you love and want to be with all the time!! But you have to keep your personal life alive too. Pouring everything you have into a relationship can seem amazing for a while until you lose every aspect of yourself and you begin to burn out or resent your partner. There are 3 people/entities in a relationship. 1. You as an individual person with your own passions / hobbies, opinions, etc. 2. You and your partner as a couple together. And 3. Your partner as their own individual person with their own passions / hobbies, opinions, etc. The second one of these fails, the relationship is no longer stable. You HAVE to take care of yourself in order to be in a healthy relationship. Loving someone else and forgetting about yourself takes a huge supportive factor out of a relationship. Do not lose yourself.

4. Support of every kind is crucial. I’m talking financially, emotionally, physically, etc. The second one person is carrying the entire backbone to a relationship; it's no longer a functioning healthy one. You should work hand in hand with your partner. Work together not against each other, support one another and push one another to do their best and grow.

5. Fighting / arguing is healthy (to an extent). Disagreeing and fighting with your partner is normal and healthy. It shows you two are still in touch with yourselves individually. Conflict in any meaningful relationship is inventible and expected. No two people function and think the exact same way 24/7. HOW you fight/disagree/argue is vital. You two should be working with one another to solve an issue, not against each other. I read something saying you and your partner need to fight the problem, not each other. Fighting pushes couples to communicate, listen, compromise (if needed), and move forward if done in a healthy way. Knowing the difference between healthy conflict and damaging toxicity is a must. You should never feel like you’re defeated by your partner.

6. Remember every relationship is different. Comparison will truly kill you and that’s regarding everything, not just relationships. Focusing on couples however, partners need to remember every relationship is unique and things that may be okay in one relationship may not be in another (in general. I’m not referring to abuse, toxicity, etc). Learning how you want your relationship to be and what you expect from your partner is to each their own. Make sure you two are on the same page in YOUR guy’s book. Not someone else’s book. Communication is key!!

7. Communication is nothing without comprehension. Something I’ve definitely seen everywhere is “communication is the key to a healthy relationship.” I do believe that this is true to an extent. You can communicate as much as possible but if your partner doesn’t not truly listen and comprehend what you are communicating, you may as well be talking to a wall. Communication, understanding and listening to your partner is what leads to a successful relationship. People are very quick to dismiss others feelings if they happen to be negative towards them in any way. Instead of being defensive, dismissive, or deflective of someone’s feelings you can be understanding, patient, and willing (unless you’re being attacked and mistreated then there’s obviously other issues. This is if your partner is communicating to you in a healthy manner). Like I said before, working with one another not against one another!

8. Insecurities are personal poison to a relationship. I will be the first to admit I was dangerously insecure in my last relationship. A lot of it had to do with being gaslit and mistreated however I did go into the relationship with issues that definitely did not help. Like I mentioned before being happy and healthy with yourself is a must in a healthy happy relationship. Insecurities are normal in relationships, it’s how you handle them that’s crucial! Communicating how you feel about things is huge. You should never feel silly or like you cannot explain to your partner how you’re feeling. Even if you think you sound ridiculous, just getting it out there will do a lot less harm than letting your mind take over and subconsciously self sabotage yourself.

9. You CAN be the issue! Something I definitely noticed is I was always focusing on what my partner could do to change and be better while completely forgetting I was just as involved as he was. Aside from the dysfunction of my last relationship I noticed I was always asking myself what my partner could do to change, I was never asking myself. A toxic trait on my end – ignorance. Admitting and accepting you can also be wrong in your relationship is huge. It’s normal to be wrong sometimes! Nobody is always right (despite what some may think :P). You should be giving exactly what you you want to be receiving. “Treat others the way you want to be treated” may be cliche, but is it ever true.

10. Freaking love yourself. This kinda touches base on one of the points I’ve already made but I cannot stress enough, you must love yourself in order to be in a happy relationship. You are responsible for your own happiness, and to project what you’re seeking that only YOU can find, onto someone else, is destructive. No matter what happens. You will always have you. Being happy with the one person you can never get rid of is a good start at finding happiness and peace.

There’s lots more but these are the main one’s I could think of off the top of my head @2: 57AM.

I’m not a professional and all of these points are my personal take on things. I am sure people disagree and that’s totally okay, like I mentioned every relationship is to each their own. My ex boyfriend was physically and mentally abusive. We didn’t fight once for 4 months but second we started it was downhill from there. Our sex drives were completely different. I was constantly trying to communicate while consistently being lied to, abused, and ignored. I ignored the red flags because I truly, TRULY believe things would be different with me. I drowned in my own insecurities and I let them destroy me. I carried every financial, emotional, and physical aspect of our relationship. I lost myself completely and I have promised myself I will never do that again.

These are a few things I’ve learned for myself along the way and I hope these lessons will help me with relationships in the future, and maybe they can help someone else 🙂

Xx