Genuinely curious. I wasn’t going to post this since airing grievances really isn’t my thing but it’s come up a few times and I can’t really talk through this with anyone else since he seems to think it’s something I need to just “get over”. Feel free to educate me.
Background, I (28F) have been dating my bf (25M) for just over 2 yrs, we’ve lived together for about a year. We have a healthy sex life and its a good sex life. He travels a lot for work though and has a demanding job, with a lot of stress.
Now, I understand the concept of masturbation. And I’ve done it, but really only when I’m horny and he isn’t around. It’s never been a “stress reliever” for me or something done out of boredom, or to help me sleep. And I’ve read and heard all the lines of how guys all do it and they need to do it for whatever reason blah blah blah…Well due to covid-19 we’ve been in close proximity lately and it’s become apparent to me just how frequently he does it. He says its every 3-4 days. Which is fine, I guess, if I’m not around but since we’ve been in the same place lately, I’d think he’d prefer sex? But no, he’s flat out told me “I don’t want to fuck, I just want to masturbate”. Its happened where he’ll come to me, I can tell he’s aroused, and be making all the moves and indicators that he wants sex but when we go into the bedroom he’ll suddenly pull back and change his mind, and tbh that hurts me. It’s like he’s saying “I’m horny, just not for you”. Theres more info I can provide if needed but bottom line, am I reading to much in to it? Is it normal for him to feel this way? Or is it me? He says its not bc he isn’t physically attracted to me, but its part of my worry.
It’s normal to want masturbation instead of sex sometimes. Sometimes it’s just a quick mechanical release and the effort and connection of sex isn’t really what is needed or desired at that time and if that’s the case it shouldn’t be taken personally. The issue I would have is that he brings you to the bedroom and changes his mind. That would make most people feel shitty.
I’m a guy and for me, and lots of other men, sex and masturbation fill different needs that sometimes overlap. If your sex life is still healthy and satisfying for you don’t worry about this. Sometimes you just want to rub one out instead of having sex.
Edit: the situation when he initiates sex with you but then changes his mind is messed up. Maybe he’s having erectile issues?
I’m a woman and I masturbate for stress relief. When I want to masturbate I specifically don’t want sex and vice versa. There’s a lot involved in sex that isn’t involved in masturbation and vice versa. There are times I just want my one and done orgasm from masturbation and to drift off like I do, and rest. It’s always multiple orgasm when it’s full blown sex, and there are times I’m just not mentally present for sex. If my partner insisted I have to have sex with him instead of masturbating. It would make me pretty resentful and I wouldn’t enjoy sex because I want to masturbate!
They’re two separate things to me, and masturbation isn’t to just fill a need in me that can be filled with sex. It’s an entirely different feeling all together that can only be satisfied via masturbation.
We’ve walked in on each other and sometimes we request to be alone, and sometimes it turns into full blown sex. The latter is usually when we got what we needed from masturbation already and now that we’re satisfied there, we’re open and ready for sex.
Masturbation is a different kind of tool for different people
Edit: That said, I’d be incredibly hurt if it felt like my boyfriend was initiating sex and then insisted on solo masturbating…like I’m just supposed to watch? No.
Maybe he thinks sex has to be PIV and be doesn’t feel like it? Would you be ok with masturbating together?
A perfectly cooked steak is a beautiful thing.
When you get dressed up and go to a nice steak house and have a great meal it’s a really special and enjoyable experience.
Sometimes you’re just hungry and want to drive through someplace and grab a burger. It’s not because a burger is better than a steak.
It’s good, it’s quick, it’s easy and it lets you move on with your day after taking care of your needs.