When a dealbreaker arises later on in your relationships/friendships – at what point do you explain to them upsets you vs. when do you just leave?

If you’ve never discussed your feelings about this deal breaker then by all means, talk to the person about it. If it’s something they’re capable of and willing to change, then the relationship can possibly be saved.

But the very nature of a deal breaker usually means that it can’t just be worked out.

Anecdotally, my last roommate always referred to me as a baby because I’m the same age as her youngest sister who is five years younger than her. I didn’t consider that a dealbreaker, but when I asked her to please stop calling me that because I didn’t appreciate it, she blew up on me, which made it a dealbreaker.

Not only could she not respect how I want to be addressed, but she screamed at me over it because I “wanted her to modify her behavior.” Also we had been drinking, but I’m still not cool with being yelled at. I moved the fuck out the next morning.

I usually think of myself as pretty accepting and tolerant – I’ll accept things in people even when I think they’re morally wrong or I’d never do it (although I have to say most of these people proved to be morally flawed on more than one level and the friendships eventually died). I talked to them about it and told them my opinion and that was that. But when something is so bad that it’s an actual dealbreaker, what else is there to do but end it? When you talk to them and they show no signs of remorse or wanting to change, but for you it’s something really terrible, I don’t think you have any choice but to tell them that to you, personally, this is something you cannot feel comfortable with under any circumstances. I mean that’s the nature of a dealbreaker, right.

It would take a LOT for me to disengage from a person with whom i was simply friends. Friends fall into several categories — from those i share a true commonality with to those with whom im just polite. Most people i befriend, i stay friends with whether i approve of everything they do or not.

But when I was dating (not now. Im engaged) i was looking for a potential partner, not just for fun. These men were held to a higher standard.

I have my own way of conversing with people im getting to know better. I listen to them and encourage them to do most of the talking. No matter what they say, i wont respond judgementally. As often as possible, i talk with them on long walks or drives so that facial expressions don’t show. This technique helps people to open up to me right away. They get very comfortable, and will tell me about anything very early on in a friendship/relationship. This has saved me a lot of time.

It depends on how long you’ve been in the relationship and how well you know them.

For example, I was talking to a guy I met on tinder during lockdown. We have several really good phone conversations and I really liked him. But, I saw 3 red flags. 1. He is financially insecure 2.He has some emotional baggage about women that claim they are “independent” 3. He doesn’t believe covid is any different than the regular flu, nor does he believe in social distancing.

Since I hadn’t met him in real life, I did the slow fade and I think he got the picture. This man is most likely only going to cause me problems. The risk is too high and there is no discussion worth having nor one that will fix all these 3 things. It’s just not my job.