Ok this is going to sound petty. I promise you it isn't to me. We've been dating for almost two years and in almost every way she is the one for me. I want to get married to her however I realize this sounds so petty but for some reason this bothers me so much more than it should.
She has the absolute WORST restaurant etiquette.
- She barely tips. We both have good jobs, money is not a problem for her or I. We kind of take turns paying when eating out. I normally tip 20% maybe a little more or less depending on the situation. Over the weekend she tipped $3 on a $46 bill. Sometimes I've tried to leave cash on the table but she gets upset, takes it, hands it back to me. We've only had a few fights and almost every one of them have started like this. She is absolutely convinced that throwing a few dollars is more than enough. She gets ALL of this from her family. Her parents took us out last Christmas to a very expensive steak house. Her dad made an absolute scene and production of tipping $20 on a $500+ bill “because it's the holidays.”
- She sends almost every dish back. Something is always wrong with whatever she ordered. The hamburger is not done enough or done too much. There's dirt in the lettuce in her salad. The pasta isn't cooked enough, you get the idea. EVERY time.
- She expects the wait staff to be paying attention to her needs instantaneously. She's not necessarily verbally abusive towards them but she keeps making demands. Water or iced tea needs constantly refilled, we need more napkins, this fork is dirty, etc. If she's expecting or asking for something and that person isn't right there she'll start asking me (loudly) where are they to get some attention.
- She argues over the bill every time demanding to speak with a manager to have something taken off or reduced because she wasn't satisfied. It doesn't matter if it's applebees or the Capital Grille…never pay the full amount.
I am 100% sure this all comes from how her parents act at restaurants. I've seen them do this every time we've eaten out together. It isn't a money thing either they're not struggling. It is to the point that I don't like going out to eat because of what I know is about to happen. She is completely aware of how tipping is supposed to work but insists that it is optional and to 'stop throwing money away'. There's no other situations where she has this anti-social behavior except at a restaurant. I cannot get my mind around it. Everywhere else she is a kind, reasonable, sweet person but as soon as she's in a restaurant she turns into this.
How the hell do I convince her that this type of behavior needs to change and is really bothersome and anti-social? I've tried explaining time and time again and it goes in one ear and out the other.
You tell her that of her behavior towards dining out doesn’t drastically change that you’ve no interest in going out to eat with her anymore
I was in the service industry for over ten years and one of the things I look for in people (friends or partners) is how they treat others when they are in a perceived position of power. As the customer, you’re technically in the power position because even if you’re a dick your server has to be pleasant to you. (Then we go back into the kitchen and talk about what a cunt you are). So she uses this opportunity where she has the upper hand to be absolutely terrible. This is a big deal. And I doubt you’ll ever convince her otherwise. She does this because she thinks she’s above those serving her.
>There’s no other situations where she has this anti-social behavior except at a restaurant. I cannot get my mind around it. Everywhere else she is a kind, reasonable, sweet person but as soon as she’s in a restaurant she turns into this.
Probably because her shitty family have taught her that service industry workers are beneath them, so this is the one setting where she feels comfortable acting like an entitled ass in ways she wouldn’t dare elsewhere. She does it because she knows she can get away with it.
>How the hell do I convince her that this type of behavior needs to change and is really bothersome and anti-social? I’ve tried explaining time and time again and it goes in one ear and out the other.
I would fully stop going out to eat with her, and when she questions you about it explain that it’s because you’re disgusted by the way she treats waiters. Or just break up, because ugh.
You said she’s a kind, reasonable, sweet, person, but if that’s the case, she’s putting on an act. When she’s in a restaurant she has a position of power over those serving her. She is using it. I think she’s worse then you realize. “Kind” people don’t act like this.
Idk how you put up with her. I’d be beyond embarrassed to be with someone like this in public, who treats others like they are less
Petty? Dude that’s not petty at all. The fact that you know she’s going to send food back before the food has even arrived is fucking infuriating. My petty ass would start telling waitresses when you sit down “hey just a heads up, my girlfriend will probably send the food back after it arrives and then demand a discount on the bill so just be ready for that.” If she really sees no problem with the behavior then she shouldn’t have any problem being open about it right? I’m sorry but your gf is a shit person. I could never date someone like that.
This girl needs to do a shift in a restaurant and experience a customer like herself
Tell her on the way to the restaurant. “we are agreeing now to tip at least 15% or I won’t be going tonight.” Let the fight happen first. Calmly tell her you knew that would happen, so brought it up first. Tell her you don’t want to be in these positions anymore, so she needs to think about if she can change these things or not. Tell her you see that is how her family is. But that you’re asking her to consider changing because you are trying to make a new family. That means you would now do things your own way- not automatically like either of your parents.
If she is that great outside of all this then it must be a matter of understanding. Try to help her understand. Relationships are supposed to make us learn and grow. Give her that chance. And make sure she understands that this is big for you. If this is your person then it’s sorta your job to try and help her change this. If it can’t be changed then there is your answer.
Honestly, I am betting that maybe she is a worse person than you realize. I don’t see how someone could operate these ways and think these things and be all that great.
With all due respect, dude, but is your GF a Karen?